"I Think We Should Relax On Saying Rest In Peace To The Dead", I tell HR as I open the bag of #papitasAF, "and, instead, work on saying it more to the living, Yo." "I'm a lesbian!", HR screams out. I look over at her, "no, you're not." #futureAF (2.8k) - You've Got Hate Mail
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“I Think We Should Relax On Saying Rest In Peace To The Dead”, I tell HR as I open the bag of #papitasAF, “and, instead, work on saying it more to the living, Yo.” “I’m a lesbian!”, HR screams out. I look over at her, “no, you’re not.” #futureAF (2.8k)

“I Think We Should Relax On Saying Rest In Peace To The Dead”, I tell HR as I open the bag of #papitasAF, “and, instead, work on saying it more to the living, Yo.” “I’m a lesbian!”, HR screams out. I look over at her, “no, you’re not.” #futureAF (2.8k)

“What do you want on your tombstone?”, I ask HR as I reach my hand into the bag of potato chips.

“I don’t think you heard me, dad”, HR replies as she passes the salsa, “I’m a lesbian, Yo.”

“Yup”, I reply as I put a handful of potato chips into my mouth, “you’re not, Yo.”

“But, dad”, HR replies as she accidently knocks over the cup of soda, “I am SURE of it.”

“Who do you hang out with most?”, I ask HR as I reach over to grab a napkin, “who are you drawn to the most in your life. Consider that.”

I continue, “but, hey, anyways, what do you want on your tombstone, yo?”

“Why, dad?”, HR replies as she squints her eyes at me, “we live forever with the chip, Yo.”

“Yeah, I know”, I reply to HR as I pick up the paper from the kitchen table, “it’s some contest that the local pizza place is doing. Like a joke?”

“Not very funny”, HR replies as she looks up at the ceiling, “I got 5 ideas:

1. The boy in the blue jeans has a small penis

2. Here lies the 524,632 President of Honduras

3. I like potato chips.

4. Your mom likes the cock.

“HR!!”, I reply as I stop writing down her suggestions, “I can’t submit that to the contest, huh?”


11 Ways Your Body Changes When You’re in Love

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Whenever I’m seeing someone new and I actually like them, I get super nervous before a second or third date. Sometimes I’m so anxious I feel sick to my stomach. So imagine my surprise to learn that falling in love can actually physically affect your body. The butterflies flitting around in my tummy weren’t just in my mind—I was honestly sick! A recent Health story explains that “at the start of a relationship, a series of truly fascinating chemical reactions occur throughout your nervous system and hormones.” It goes on to list 19 ways in which your body scientifically changes when you fall in love. I’ve listed 11 below. For the other eight ways in which your body will change when you meet that special someone, visit Health.

You feel drunk. Oxytocin is the love hormone, and researchers have studied the effects of oxytocin and alcohol. Although they affect different parts of the brain, the outcome—feeling less inhibited, fearful, anxious, aggressive, or boastful—is the same.

Your cheeks flush, palms sweat, and heart races. The stimulation of adrenaline and norepinephrine will cause you to sweat and feel anxious.

Your pupils dilate. When you’re attracted to someone and you’re near them, be it in bed in the morning or at a restaurant for dinner, your eyes dilate.

You feel sick. Lovesickness is the stress hormone cortisol contracting the blood vessels in your stomach. This is what makes you feel sick before seeing someone new.

You could experience hysterical strength. Falling in love isn’t strictly limited to couples. Many new mothers have so much love for their babies that when under extreme duress, they seem to have super-strength. This is why you occasionally hear of a panicked mother who lifted a car off her trapped child on the news.

You can’t keep your eyes off your partner. The desire to literally look at your love interest comes from the brain’s release of dopamine. When you scroll through photos of your weekend together, you feel a surge of energy as your desire is being fulfilled. Scientists say this is the same affect cocaine has on the brain.

Your voice will get higher. When a woman speaks to a man she is physically attracted to, her voice will tend to get higher and more feminine. Crazy, right?!

You will worry when you’re not around them.


When you think you’re a loser you act like a loser; Contact a professional to help, Yo; get your mind in line and your ass will follow; be brave from an ass kicker’s mindset; if your mind says go forward, your feet will follow; belief>> thought>> action, Yo.


Fuck your attitude of gratitude; I want an attitude that I’m going to be successful, Yo.


Need an Attitude Adjustment? Here’s How to Get One

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One day you wake up feeling irritated by everyone, focused on “what’s wrong” in your life, or just plain apathetic to all of it. This cranky disposition just crept up on you. You may stay in this mood for awhile, but finally you say to yourself, “I hate feeling this way! This is not who I am. I need an attitude adjustment!”

Consider for a moment the possibility that you didn’t just fall into your bad mood based on a single event, but that you very gradually became immersed in a lack of happy thoughts due to an absorption of negative energy from the people around you. Perhaps a coworker made an unflattering remark to you the other day, and you’ve been trying to think of a comeback ever since. Maybe a friend called four times in the past week to vent about how her husband is a jerk and her kids don’t appreciate her and trying to be a good friend, you make her feel better by listening to every sordid detail and recalling examples in your own life when loved ones had been insensitive to you as well. The effects of these incidents may not be immediately noticeable, but each one builds upon the one before it, until they attach to you and take hold.

What this means from an energetic point of view is that little by little, your vibration has continually headed lower. It is so subtle sometimes that you don’t even realize it until it’s too late and has affected your attitude in a big way. Your thoughts increasingly grow overly negative from day to day, gaining momentum, until finally you’ve had enough! As far as you’re concerned, you are unloved and unappreciated, and no one is going to convince you any differently!

So what do we do when we realize we are the guest of honor at our own pity party? Here are three tried-and-true solutions to help you begin feeling like your cheery self again:

1) The Happiness Catalogue:

The Happiness Catalogue is where you write down all of the things you enjoy. For instance, you may list: playing your guitar (which you haven’t made time to do in years); taking a bubble bath, going out to the movies; taking your dog for a long walk while the sun shines brightly on your face; or how about baking cookies; putting together a puzzle on the kitchen table; or dancing around the house to your favorite tunes. Maybe you love flowers — go to the market and buy your special kind and just stare at them all day if you want. After all, this idea is akin to looking through a seed catalogue, full of a variety of beautiful, colorful options that are perfect just for you.

Personal happiness can only come from the experience of joy. No no one can do it for you; it has to come from feeling good on the inside. An imbalance in one’s life — caused by an abundance of negativity and a lack of fun and play — will eventually manifest into a bad attitude that will be a challenge to shake off. Put balance back into your life by doing things that make you smile.

2) Note to Self:

Try this experiment: Sit down and have your “future self” write a letter to your “current self.” Use your imagination and fantasize! The sky’s the limit! Tell your “current self” how amazing life is! The “future you” is having the time of his life! The “current you” doesn’t have to worry about a thing because that coworker who’s always rude to you took a job somewhere else — you now own your own extremely successful business — and your friend, who used to constantly complain to you, has never felt better and has nothing to say but positive things! You are able to live in the moment (which really isn’t so bad) without thinking about the past or the future, because everything totally works out. Your “future self” is loving life, and that is what you have to look forward to! All you need to do is be here now… the future will take care of itself and the past is old news.

3) E-motion Is Energy in Motion:

When energy moves through us, it takes the form of an emotion. When negative energy is trying to move through us, it takes the form of negative emotion. Therefore, if you’ve been exposed to lots of negative energy, your body and mind are going to try to release it as such. This is why an adjustment of your attitude may be in order. Crying is an action that comes out from inside and cleanses the emotions. Some people may see crying as a bad thing, making one even sadder. However, the truth is that we feel much better after a good cry! It actually elevates your vibration by making room for the joy to come in. So play some sad songs and just let it all out!

Take responsibility for your mood and choose not to stay in it. Realize that just as this energy moved into you, it must move out. Try not to be around others when in a bad mood so as not to spread the misery. Accept what it is, let it go, and allow yourself to move forward. The moment you start feeling a little depressed or begin having more and more negative thoughts, do not shrug it off and let it get worse. It’s a slippery slope. The longer you ignore these emotions, the harder it will be to detach from them and live a happy, emotionally healthy life. Nip it in the bud!

If your life is balanced, and you set aside time on a regular basis to have fun and do things that make you feel happy, then no matter what life and other people “throw” at you, it won’t affect you in such a negative way.


How To Ask A Woman To Marry You And Make It Perfect (Tips And Tricks)

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For a lot of men, asking a woman to marry them is one of the scariest things they’ll ever have to do. They feel pressure to make the proposal perfect and stressed about what their girlfriend’s response will be (even if they’re fairly certain she’ll say “yes.”) The good news is that most women won’t base their answer on whether or not the proposal is perfect, so you can breathe easy. As long as you put in an effort and try to make her feel special, then your proposal should be fine.

Her answer will be based on how she feels about you and your relationship. It is likely something she has been thinking about a long time. So if you “mess” it up, her answer is unlikely to change.

But here are some tips on how to make the moment special, so it’s something the two of you will feel comfortable talking about for a long time afterwards.

Talk To Her About Marriage Ahead Of Time

Don’t wait until you are asking her to marry you before discussing marriage with her the first time. If the two of you have never discussed the future with each other, then you’re probably not ready to get married yet anyway.

The reason this is important is because an unwanted marriage proposal can destroy a relationship. There might still be things that the two of you haven’t worked out or discussed before you’re ready to get engaged. She might not feel like it’s the right time in her life to get married yet, even if she thinks you’re a great guy. That might change once you work out your differences.

You’re investing a lot of money into her ring and trying to figure out the rest of your life, you should talk to her about it first. Timing of proposals are important. You also need to make sure that you want the same things in life.

I know it’s a big subject, but you should try to bring up the possibility of marrying her casually a few times before you propose. You can ask if she sees the two of you married within the next five years or even just subtly point out a happy, married couple and say you’d like to be like them some day. See what her reaction is.

If it’s consistently positive, then go forward with your plans.

It’s especially important to know what her feelings are if you’re going to do a public proposal of any kind or it might lead to an embarrassing situation if she’s not ready.

Talk To Her Ahead Of Time, So This Doesn’t Happen To You…

Get Tips From Her Best Friend/Mother

If you do this, though, make sure the person you ask is good at keeping secrets or they might tell your girlfriend that you’re thinking about proposing and ruin the surprise.

The reason this is important is because they know what your girlfriend likes. They have probably discussed, at one time or another, in what way your girlfriend would want you to propose to her if you were ever to propose. Even if they haven’t discussed this before, they can get the information out of her for you, without tipping your girlfriend off about the truth of their inquiries.

Also, if you’re not sure whether or not she’ll like a certain ring or certain detail of the proposal, you can ask them for advice. Because they care for your girlfriend so much, they’ll be just as excited about the proposal as you are, so they’ll be more than likely excited about giving you advice.

This can also be helpful in double checking if your girlfriend is ready to get engaged. Her best friend or mother will likely know exactly how she feels about marrying you and can confirm or caution if this is the right step for you to take right now.

Ask Permission From Her Father

This is old-fashioned, so you might think about skipping it, but if you do, there’s a chance that her family might get angry at you for skipping out on it.

If her father isn’t around, then asking someone who is a substitute, like her mother or a man who acts like a father figure to her, is acceptable as well. If she has more than one father, like a biological father and a step-dad, you might want to approach them both, depending on how close she is to them.

The reason this is important is that starting a marriage is easier if you have the approval of both of your families.

Sometimes this is impossible and you may know this ahead of time. If her father doesn’t like you, I still recommend you going to him and saying,”I am coming to you to tell you that I plan to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage. I am coming to you first out of respect for you. I don’t know if I will have your blessing, but it would make things easier if you’d give it to me.” Then see what he says. His answer may surprise you and even if he still doesn’t approve, he’ll likely respect you for coming to him first and talking to him about your intentions man-to-man.

Fathers do not make decisions for their daughters, so you don’t have to give up on your proposal, even if her father disapproves. Just understand, it will be much easier on your future wife, if the two of you can agree on at least this much.

Choosing Between A Public And Private Proposal

You should make this decision based on both of your personalities.


Why I’m Waiting to Have Sex Until I’m Married

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My inbox is flooded daily with questions from young women saying, My boyfriend says that if I really love him, I’ll have sex with him. If I don’t have sex with him, I’m afraid he’ll leave me. If I don’t give him what he wants I’m terrified he’ll cheat on me. My boyfriend looks at porn and it makes me feel like I’m not enough. My friends tell me that if I really love him, then I’ll sleep with him. I just want to feel loved and wanted.


The window crashes; Jacobate and Heatherate are facing us in the kitchen; we need to leave, I think to HR; HR and I run up the stairs; we hear footsteps; we lock the door at the top of the stairs; where do we go from here, I think to HR and my wife.